Contagion

Do we really know what we're asking for? I want to be patient, humble, a servant. I surrender my life. Do what you want God...it's not about me. Seriously now. If I'm brutally honest, I want to be those things but in some twisted way I want them to benefit me. The war within is so crazy. I really do believe that we want to pursue Jesus but I also know that we really do want to pursue ourselves. We want Jesus to be lifted high but only if we are right beside him. It's the age old question that the disciples had "Who will sit next to you?", "Who's your favorite?" or John..."the disciple Jesus loved". Do you think that got to his head? I bet it did. It got to Peter's. How could someone other than him be the disciple that Jesus "Loved"? I like Peter. He's so stinkin' real that it's as if he shouldn't have been a disciples. He assures Jesus that he will be with Him till the end. Then he abandons him at the crucial time when Jesus needed him the most. He tries to be the hot shot saviour and cuts of a dude's ear just to have Jesus put it back on. He jumps out of the boat as Jesus shows up walking on water (think there was any showmanship inside of him?) and walks for a few feet only to see that he's not in control of the situation and then he sinks. He's the ultimate control freak. He just doesn't seem to fit my idea of a "disciple".

But then again, neither do I.