Nervous?
If I said that I wasn't a little nervous with planting a new church I think I'd be lying. I told my wife that I feel like I'm putting my whole potential as a lead pastor on the line with one shot. Everything that I've learned up until this point is going to used to the max and I'm gonna feel pretty inadequate in a lot of situations. There are a few things that make me nervous. They aren't anything to do with the public end of things. I'm pretty confident that we have all the potential in the world to have a super good and creative gathering on sundays. Like I've said before, our launch team (even though we are small) is packed with talent and ability. The problem is that this stuff is a vital part of who we will be, but it's only one piece. On it's own, it will be absolutely useless. It's not even the fact that I will be preaching every week--I'm good with that--actually excited about it. What turns my stomach sometimes is the hidden stuff--most of it with me.
I've found myself thinking about my character quite a bit lately. Is it where it should be? Am I honest? Do I have integrity? Am I the same person all the time? Can I be trusted? Do I talk about others behind their backs? These are some super tough questions and as I wade through the waters of answering them I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself because I fully understand that my character is one of the biggest things that will cause this church to move forward or crumble to pieces.
Another thing that's got my wheels turning is my ability to connect with people that don't know Jesus. To be brutally honest, I've always had a hard time starting conversations. Most times I feel like a 6th grader at the school dance just trying to muster up enough courage to ask the dream girl to dance without making myself look like a total moron. I don't know what it is but I just don't have that salesman charisma that wins the hearts of people right off the bat. If anything I look like an ex con that is coming to sell fake watches that I just smuggled in across the border. I joke that maybe I should botox my eyebrows in a "happy" position so that I don't scare all the kiddies away--maybe it's not such a bad idea!
Some of this is genuine concern and others of it is just plain ol' insecurity. I know that God will be made strong in my weakness but I've gotta make sure that these weaknesses aren't of my own doing--that I'm constantly trying to become more like Jesus.
I remember one day a few years back--when we had super early morning prayer at the church--I was praying and felt very strongly that God was talking to me about something. I'm a worship leader as well and at the time was feeling pretty insecure about my singing ability. What he said was that he made me the way I was so that he would get the glory instead of me. That my voice wasn't "rock star worthy" so that I wouldn't get "rock star syndrome" and think I was better than I actually was. That freed me up to lead worship uninhibited by the opinions of others. I just have to constantly remind myself that God is the one in control of this bus. I may be moving the wheel with my hand, but he's the GPS guiding us to where we need to get--I just follow.
When this church starts making a different in this part of our world, God will get the glory because I know who I really am in light of who He is.
I've found myself thinking about my character quite a bit lately. Is it where it should be? Am I honest? Do I have integrity? Am I the same person all the time? Can I be trusted? Do I talk about others behind their backs? These are some super tough questions and as I wade through the waters of answering them I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself because I fully understand that my character is one of the biggest things that will cause this church to move forward or crumble to pieces.
Another thing that's got my wheels turning is my ability to connect with people that don't know Jesus. To be brutally honest, I've always had a hard time starting conversations. Most times I feel like a 6th grader at the school dance just trying to muster up enough courage to ask the dream girl to dance without making myself look like a total moron. I don't know what it is but I just don't have that salesman charisma that wins the hearts of people right off the bat. If anything I look like an ex con that is coming to sell fake watches that I just smuggled in across the border. I joke that maybe I should botox my eyebrows in a "happy" position so that I don't scare all the kiddies away--maybe it's not such a bad idea!
Some of this is genuine concern and others of it is just plain ol' insecurity. I know that God will be made strong in my weakness but I've gotta make sure that these weaknesses aren't of my own doing--that I'm constantly trying to become more like Jesus.
I remember one day a few years back--when we had super early morning prayer at the church--I was praying and felt very strongly that God was talking to me about something. I'm a worship leader as well and at the time was feeling pretty insecure about my singing ability. What he said was that he made me the way I was so that he would get the glory instead of me. That my voice wasn't "rock star worthy" so that I wouldn't get "rock star syndrome" and think I was better than I actually was. That freed me up to lead worship uninhibited by the opinions of others. I just have to constantly remind myself that God is the one in control of this bus. I may be moving the wheel with my hand, but he's the GPS guiding us to where we need to get--I just follow.
When this church starts making a different in this part of our world, God will get the glory because I know who I really am in light of who He is.
